Sweaty Palms.

Ok, Hi! This is my first post in my new blog; I'm actually kind of nervous...Odd. Well, I started this blog because I'm about to go through a lot of monumental changes in my life and I would like for my thoughts and feelings to be documented and shared. Who knows when that might come in handy. Actually I think I might be writing this blog to find out what are my thoughts and feelings because I honestly don't know. I feel confidant that I have everything I need to succeed in life or if I don't I'll be able to learn whatever it is I need fairly quickly. I'm self-assured and almost never nervous about the future; I'm excited, I'm happy,I'm ready to go, and I'm pretty sure I'm lying to myself.

But how can I KNOW that I'm lying to myself? I don't think I can be sure but there definetly have been some hints lately. First of all I haven't been sleeping well recently; I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep. Now, I've studied psychology enough to know that unless I'm IV'ing caffine in my veins before bed there's is something off and I need to find out what. Second there are moments in my day where I feel panic not just normal fear but sheer cold panic. I get sweaty palms, dizzy, and heavy breathing and I don't know why.

I think what's happening is a conflict of my conscious and subconscious. My conscious is telling me " Don't worry. Look at the facts. You have it in the bag," and the thing is when I look at the cold hard facts - I have it in the bag. I've graduated young, I have done things that kids my age never had the chance, I fluently speak two languages, I have a loving and supportive family, and I have mental capacity and drive. The thing is I can't only look at the facts; I have to look at my emotions and how I feel, or atleast how my subconscious knows I feel. I am so scared. I'm scared that I'm too young to suceed in college, I'm scared that I won't be able to make friends, I'm scared that no one will want to hire a 16 year-old, I'm scared that I won't live up to the expectations of my family and friends, but most of all I'm scared that once you take away my "identity" (my life here in Brazil and everything I know and have grown up with) there will be nothing left of value. Nothing left to sustain the image I have painted for myself. Now how do I comfort myself? How do I make it easier for myself? Well, I think the first step was admitting it to myself. And I think the second step was admitting it to the world. Some people tell me how proud they are of me or how surprised they are with me and that I'm a kid but I have it so "under control". I want to tell those people that they shouldn't be and that I don't. I'm a child and I'm going to act like it, I'm going to screw up big time and numerously. But after thinking about it for a while I'm actually ok with that. I'm ok with making a fool out of myself. I'm ok with waiting to finding out if I can stand out and be incredible. I'm actually excited about finding myself but I acknowledge that I'm scared out of my mind. So I think I'm making progress. I'll be ok. I know I will.